Why can't I be normal???

He called the night before. To ask if I'm doing ok. (After our previous night's screaming fiasco.) Then he tells me he's taking his 6 year old daughter to the opera. I think to myself...'Of course. She'll be a better date than I. With her porcelain skin and doe eyes..and her tiny little sweet voice, aspiring to be a future singer. I put up my white flag a long time ago. I can't compete with a 6 year old.'

He says these things to me on purpose. So that I may have a glimpse of the life that I 'could' have had with him. Or maybe its just my delusional brain, at it again.

"I'm fine." I bark back, bitterly.

He's been texting the past few days, if I'm ok, how am i doing. He says he would like to see me. If I have to be honest, I have to say that I would like to see him. Only I wish our relationship would work. We could be so good together, besides all this drama, we really do enjoy each other. Right now though, I know we do not have a good relationship. But on the other hand, I have no one else. No one understands. As much as he hurt me, he is the only one who has helped me come so far in dealing with my issues. He opened my eyes, to the patterns in my behavior, he saved me from my promiscuity, he saved me from my bad drinking habits (this was all about 2 years ago). Believe it or not, I am doing much better now. I owe it all to him. As selfishly as he behaves sometimes, I know he really does love me, somewhere in there.

I just wish I was better at this. I wish I was better at life. I wish I was normal. I wish I knew how to make this work. Sometimes I feel its not fair to him, to drag him down with me. It might be better to just walk away. Part of me just wants to leave, live alone. In my own little hole, and deal with my own demons. I hate to be a burden on anyone. But when I leave, it is soo lonely, I just can't bear it.

I am lucky that he keeps coming back for me. Imagine if he didn't. Then I really would be......alone.