Background info:
Last week - We went for a two hour walk in the evening. We like to take long walks sometime, we love this city. He spent the entire time on the phone. I just kept walking with him, didn't say a word about it. When he hung up, he decided he was tired and he wanted to go home. I just smiled and agreed. I didn't want to say that it was rude, or that I was hurt, even though that was how I felt. He owns two businesses out of town, and sometimes he has to spend hours on the phone managing his employees, etc. I truly was empathetic, and realized that he couldn't help it. This is a common phenomenon with him, we make plans to do things and he spends the majority of the time on the phone. Believe me, I really do pick my battles.
Last night - We went to a beautiful, romantic concert. And old singer who made his way to our city singing his old love songs. We had been looking forward to this concert for months. My partner says, "Lets go out, just the two of us, have a truly romantic evening and really enjoy each other." I was secretly excited. More excited than I showed, because I am always weary of nights we make plans like these. It is rare that just the two of us get to go out and do something romantic. We went to the concert, it was so beautiful. Enchanting. The performer says goodnight, and finally the crowd is moseying its way out. I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed it, and to thank him for taking me, and that it was an experience that I would remember forever. So I turned to him to speak, and wouldn't you know it. He's on the phone! This time, not with his employee, or a business associate, but with his friend! To whom he talks to 20 times a day, 7 days a week! My heart dropped. I was truly hurt. This time it was hard to fake it. I tell myself, it was probably a quick phone call, maybe an emergency, and he will get off soon. Nope. He's chatting, about this and that, and then finally 15 minutes have passed. During these long 15 minutes I find myself getting increasingly agitated. "Couldn't he have waited at least until we got out of the theater??" I tell myself.
Finally he gets off the phone. He knows I'm upset, but I really didn't want to fight, not tonight. My emotions were clear on my face though. He pesters me, "Oh, are you in one of your bad moods again?" I say I'm not in a 'bad mood' and he asks then why are you mad. Here it is, I am going to say it "Couldn't you have waited to call him later?" Mistake.
Here we go again...He says, "You are disgusting! I can call whoever I want, whenever I want! You can't stop me from calling him. You are trying to control me. You keep attacking me. Get your stuff and get out! Get the hell outta my life."
The rest of the way home, he makes it a point to call everybody he knows until we actually get to our doorstep. We go inside, and more mean words were exchanged, and tears, etc. He says this all my fault and I "attacked" him. I say that I made one simple comment, because I was hurt, and I should have a right to speak up when something really bothers me. He says I overreacted. I am perplexed at how one simple comment as I mentioned could be interpreted as an attack. Maybe I'm wrong. The night goes on, it gets worse and worse and worse. An insanely emotional person stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I just want some stability. That I could be able to speak about how I feel and not have to be punished for it. We should have been able to talk about this, and not fight. It doesn't matter, I made a comment, and he kicked me out. And to tell you the truth, after what I've been through emotionally this night, I am too exhausted to think of a reason to stay.
Present: Here I am, the next morning, in the other room. Packing all my stuff.....again. In a few minutes, I'll be walking down the street, with my suitcases...back to my place. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any stuff. Then I wouldn't have to go through the pain of packing my suitcases, over and over again. Anybody who has ever had to do this, must know how painful this is.
No comments:
Post a Comment