Know your enemy...

It's like someone came and drew a huge black curtain on me. I can barely move my body. Its hard to breath. Each swing of my arm takes so much effort. I don't understand it. Nothing is different from last week to this week. It's like clockwork. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to me this time. I should just keep telling myself that I have the power to overcome this. It's easy to make these plans when I'm in my good moods, but when I'm in bad ones, they just seem like distant plans. It's hard to talk to anyone, to even speak. I'm stuck deep deep deep inside my head, I feel trapped...with no energy. Sooo lonely. The sadness is there, I know it is there, because I can feel it. It's palpable. But I have no idea why it is there. The people around me can feel my sadness. I feel bad, and I wish I could stop behaving this way, but I can't. I feel totally helpless. I know in a few days it will all be over. And just like that, like someone just snapped their fingers, I'm happy.

(At first, it was impossible for me to notice these patterns in myself. My partner is the one that pointed it out to me. I resisted the idea for so long, and I was so upset with him for pointing it out to me. But then I sat back and quietly observed myself for months, and the pattern was as clear as day and night to me.)

“Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.” - Sun Tzu