Why can't I be normal???

He called the night before. To ask if I'm doing ok. (After our previous night's screaming fiasco.) Then he tells me he's taking his 6 year old daughter to the opera. I think to myself...'Of course. She'll be a better date than I. With her porcelain skin and doe eyes..and her tiny little sweet voice, aspiring to be a future singer. I put up my white flag a long time ago. I can't compete with a 6 year old.'

He says these things to me on purpose. So that I may have a glimpse of the life that I 'could' have had with him. Or maybe its just my delusional brain, at it again.

"I'm fine." I bark back, bitterly.

He's been texting the past few days, if I'm ok, how am i doing. He says he would like to see me. If I have to be honest, I have to say that I would like to see him. Only I wish our relationship would work. We could be so good together, besides all this drama, we really do enjoy each other. Right now though, I know we do not have a good relationship. But on the other hand, I have no one else. No one understands. As much as he hurt me, he is the only one who has helped me come so far in dealing with my issues. He opened my eyes, to the patterns in my behavior, he saved me from my promiscuity, he saved me from my bad drinking habits (this was all about 2 years ago). Believe it or not, I am doing much better now. I owe it all to him. As selfishly as he behaves sometimes, I know he really does love me, somewhere in there.

I just wish I was better at this. I wish I was better at life. I wish I was normal. I wish I knew how to make this work. Sometimes I feel its not fair to him, to drag him down with me. It might be better to just walk away. Part of me just wants to leave, live alone. In my own little hole, and deal with my own demons. I hate to be a burden on anyone. But when I leave, it is soo lonely, I just can't bear it.

I am lucky that he keeps coming back for me. Imagine if he didn't. Then I really would be......alone.

You can't run away from your genes....

My family is coming to visit me this weekend. Great timing, huh. I better get it together before they arrive. They don't want to see me suffering. They have enough problems of their own. My father hasn't come to visit me in almost 2 years....since my divorce. He was so mad at me. So, this is a big deal. My bipolar mother, my schizophrenic brother, and my majorly depressed father. Sigh.... I hate my genes....but I love my family. You can run away from your family, but........

My stuff...

I am in the other room with the door closed. I do not want to see him. I never want to see him again. I will wait until he leaves before I come out.

Background info:

Last week - We went for a two hour walk in the evening. We like to take long walks sometime, we love this city. He spent the entire time on the phone. I just kept walking with him, didn't say a word about it. When he hung up, he decided he was tired and he wanted to go home. I just smiled and agreed. I didn't want to say that it was rude, or that I was hurt, even though that was how I felt. He owns two businesses out of town, and sometimes he has to spend hours on the phone managing his employees, etc. I truly was empathetic, and realized that he couldn't help it. This is a common phenomenon with him, we make plans to do things and he spends the majority of the time on the phone. Believe me, I really do pick my battles.

Last night - We went to a beautiful, romantic concert. And old singer who made his way to our city singing his old love songs. We had been looking forward to this concert for months. My partner says, "Lets go out, just the two of us, have a truly romantic evening and really enjoy each other." I was secretly excited. More excited than I showed, because I am always weary of nights we make plans like these. It is rare that just the two of us get to go out and do something romantic. We went to the concert, it was so beautiful. Enchanting. The performer says goodnight, and finally the crowd is moseying its way out. I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed it, and to thank him for taking me, and that it was an experience that I would remember forever. So I turned to him to speak, and wouldn't you know it. He's on the phone! This time, not with his employee, or a business associate, but with his friend! To whom he talks to 20 times a day, 7 days a week! My heart dropped. I was truly hurt. This time it was hard to fake it. I tell myself, it was probably a quick phone call, maybe an emergency, and he will get off soon. Nope. He's chatting, about this and that, and then finally 15 minutes have passed. During these long 15 minutes I find myself getting increasingly agitated. "Couldn't he have waited at least until we got out of the theater??" I tell myself.

Finally he gets off the phone. He knows I'm upset, but I really didn't want to fight, not tonight. My emotions were clear on my face though. He pesters me, "Oh, are you in one of your bad moods again?" I say I'm not in a 'bad mood' and he asks then why are you mad. Here it is, I am going to say it "Couldn't you have waited to call him later?" Mistake.

Here we go again...He says, "You are disgusting! I can call whoever I want, whenever I want! You can't stop me from calling him. You are trying to control me. You keep attacking me. Get your stuff and get out! Get the hell outta my life."

The rest of the way home, he makes it a point to call everybody he knows until we actually get to our doorstep. We go inside, and more mean words were exchanged, and tears, etc. He says this all my fault and I "attacked" him. I say that I made one simple comment, because I was hurt, and I should have a right to speak up when something really bothers me. He says I overreacted. I am perplexed at how one simple comment as I mentioned could be interpreted as an attack. Maybe I'm wrong. The night goes on, it gets worse and worse and worse. An insanely emotional person stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I just want some stability. That I could be able to speak about how I feel and not have to be punished for it. We should have been able to talk about this, and not fight. It doesn't matter, I made a comment, and he kicked me out. And to tell you the truth, after what I've been through emotionally this night, I am too exhausted to think of a reason to stay.

Present: Here I am, the next morning, in the other room. Packing all my stuff.....again. In a few minutes, I'll be walking down the street, with my suitcases...back to my place. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any stuff. Then I wouldn't have to go through the pain of packing my suitcases, over and over again. Anybody who has ever had to do this, must know how painful this is.

Know your enemy...

It's like someone came and drew a huge black curtain on me. I can barely move my body. Its hard to breath. Each swing of my arm takes so much effort. I don't understand it. Nothing is different from last week to this week. It's like clockwork. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to me this time. I should just keep telling myself that I have the power to overcome this. It's easy to make these plans when I'm in my good moods, but when I'm in bad ones, they just seem like distant plans. It's hard to talk to anyone, to even speak. I'm stuck deep deep deep inside my head, I feel trapped...with no energy. Sooo lonely. The sadness is there, I know it is there, because I can feel it. It's palpable. But I have no idea why it is there. The people around me can feel my sadness. I feel bad, and I wish I could stop behaving this way, but I can't. I feel totally helpless. I know in a few days it will all be over. And just like that, like someone just snapped their fingers, I'm happy.

(At first, it was impossible for me to notice these patterns in myself. My partner is the one that pointed it out to me. I resisted the idea for so long, and I was so upset with him for pointing it out to me. But then I sat back and quietly observed myself for months, and the pattern was as clear as day and night to me.)

“Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.” - Sun Tzu

Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

It's a bright and sunny day, a beautiful morning considering the past few cold and rainy days. He looks at me and notices my teeny tiny mustache growing since my last treatment. Of course, he cracks a joke or two, "haha, what would it look like if you just grow it out?... we could grow ours out together..." I tell him that I had already made an appointment for electrolysis in the afternoon. Electrolysis is expensive!....considering I don't have a job. What's a girl to do? I'm supposed to save money, and live frugally, especially considering my circumstances, and be beautiful at the same time. Beauty costs money. And trust me I have tried other avenues of hair removal, and nothing is as good as electrolysis. I truly believe in it.

I'm obsessed with hair removal. I have been since I was in middle school. I will never forget that day in 7th grade, when I was walking through my school courtyard, and a boy screamed at me, "Hey Elvis!," pointing to my sideburns. Ever since then, it has turned into a lifelong obsession for me. Waxing, tweezing, hair removal cream, threading...etc, etc.... Electrolysis is the way to go. Yes its expensive, but you kinda have no choice.